Sunday, January 15, 2012

Stephen Colbert: A Wizard With Ties To Obama And The Devil

As South Carolina Presidential candidate Stephen Colbert surges in the polls past GOP back-runner Jon Huntsman with the help of the Colbert Super PAC, more media scrutiny will be deservedly placed on Mr. Colbert's past.

After some investigative research, has discovered that Mr. Colbert is a wizard with ties to Democratic President Barack Obama and the Devil.

At first glance, Mr. Colbert seems like a qualified candidate like anyone else.  In fact, he has ties to the U.S. Space Program like Senators John Glenn and Bill Nelson.  

While Mr. Colbert never actually put his life at risk by being launched into space with tons of rocket fuel strapped to his back like Senators Glenn and Nelson, Colbert did win a contest to have an International Space Station treadmill named after him in 2009:  "COLBERT" which stands for "Combined Operational Load-Bearing External Resistance Treadmil."

But just looking at a candidate's accomplishments in recent years does not give a voter a true insight about the character of the next potential President of the United States.  So dug way back into Mr. Colbert's past.

Mr. Colbert was born in Washington, D.C., but grew up in Charleston, South Carolina.  Although he grew up as a Southerner, he purposefully repressed his Southern accent out of fear that people would associate his Southern accent with the stereotype of being dumb and ignorant.  That's right.  Mr. Colbert is a self-hating Southerner.  

While such an act could be dismissed as a youthful indiscretion, Mr. Colbert has not gone back to his Southern twang as a matured adult despite the fact that he now wants Southerners to vote for him.  If he truly was honest to himself about his roots, he would embrace with pride his Southern heritage (right along with the stereotypes) and speak with a twang and change his name from 'Colbert' to 'Coldbeer.'

As an adolescent in the 1970's, Mr. Colbert played Dungeons and Dragons.  It is a pagan game where the most powerful player is a wizard.  So the real question Republican voters have to ask themselves is, "Did Wizard Colbert cast a spell to get Jimmy Carter elected in 1976?"

But it gets worse, much worse.  Actor/Comedian Stephen Colbert started his acting career in Chicago, Illinois where he engaged in "experimental" plays.  Chicago is the same place where President Obama started his political career.  It is no wonder then, that the same Chicago political machine media manipulating puppeteers are pulling the same strings on Colbert as Obama.

Even if Mr. Colbert could explain away his past, in recent years he tried to make a deal with the Devil.  In a New York Times article dated April 20, 2011, Mr. Colbert was quoted as saying, "God has an exclusive licensing agreement with 'The Daily Show' ... We're trying to get the Devil for our show."

So now we know why Mr. Colbert wants to be President of the United States.  He wants the authority to be able to sign the U.S.A. into a deal with the Devil.  Colbert is so evil, he would sign his name one letter at a time with different Presidential pens so the Devil and all of his high ranking demons would get a souvenir.

Although the choice of a Massachusetts Moderate Mitt Romney may seem disgusting to most Republicans, it is certainly better than a Charleston Charlatan wizard casting spells to conjur up Chicago Shenanigans designed to seal a deal with the Devil.

-Satirical Article


Colbert Pushes For NASA Space Station Research